Thursday, May 21, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Babyland

Ok, so we're looking about a 3-4 more weeks of this craziness.... max! This is a good thing. I am sooooooooo ready for this nonsense to be over and feel like an actual human being again. I cannot wait to sit down, stand up, or, God forbid, lie down without it being excruciatingly painful in a variety of ways. More than that - I can't wait for the weight loss to begin. I've come to find that IT has happened to me AGAIN. What is IT you ask? IT happened last time I was pregnant, some 8+ years ago. I look in the mirror and I don't see something all great, but I don't see Shamu. The fact that I don't see Shamu eases my fears about being Shamu and I'm able to go on about my business.... satisfied that I don't need my own zip code. But then the pictures come.... some evil being with a camera takes pictures at an event of some sort and then, and only then, the truth comes out. IT is revealed! I am Shamu! Never mind that I don't see it when I look in the mirror, and nobody has the gumption to tell me (except my boss who says to me the other day, "so you seem to be retaining water", to which I replied, "yes, it's quite nasty, but that's the case"), but regardless I am fat fat the water rat. Now, in my defense, I'd venture my boss has really hit the nail on the head. It's ALOT of water.
It really came on quickly about 10 days ago or so. I'd been just dandy with a bit of swelling, but nothing too horrible. I was able to wear my shoes, and my rings, so those were comforting aspects in my quest to not be Shamu. Then, all of a sudden I couldn't get my feet in to my shoes, and my rings wouldn't come off (mind you, I got them off and haven't put them back on since). I'm truly amazed at how quickly this happened, but happen it did and there's no looking back. I can only hope that I'll be able to ward off the really ugly number on the scale I'd prefer to remain on the left side of, but I don't feel that I have much control over the scale at this juncture.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Just in time for Mother's Day

So, if you know me pretty well you're undoubtedly aware that I have a less than desirable relationship with my mom. It's been this way since I was a little kid, and unfortunately has only gotten worse over the years. I've grown and learned and changed as much as one person normally does over the course of 25 years, but it seems that no matter what I do I am always at odds with my mom.
A little over a year ago things got very bad with my mom and I decided that I had no choice but to just stop speaking to her. She only brought me grief and anxiety and it was extremely difficult to deal with her unreasonable and irrational ways. It didn't only affect me, it affected my husband and kid too. After several months went by I was caught off guard by the auto-answer feature on my phone while driving and was suddenly forced in to conversation with her. I told her what my problems with her were, I explained that I was very unhappy with our relationship and had been for most of my life. She was somewhat sympathetic and said she would like to make things better. After that conversation I went a couple of weeks without speaking to her, but was encouraged by friends and family to try and make amends. I decided that I would call, tell her that I needed to put boundaries on our relationship and tell her what it was that I expected from the relationship. Maybe, just maybe, if she knew what my expectations were then we would be able to go forward. I got up the nerve and called and told her what I had to say. She was happy to hear from me and said she would "do anything to help us have a better relationship." As you might imagine, that entire phone call went right out the window about a week later when she called, completely trampled every boundary I'd set and ignored every expectation I'd described. I was once again at a loss. Still, I tried to make things work, but did not put much effort in to the relationship because I was very tired of being hurt all the time.
Months went by and she continued to get worse. By the holidays I'd really just had it with her once again. I managed to make it through Christmas, but by New Years I decided that I just could not have her be part of my life anymore. She caused me so much stress and anxiety it was difficult to get through the day every time I had to deal with her. When she called in early January I, once again, described to her the problems I had with our relationship and how she managed to not only ignore everything I'd requested of her before, but how she had actually managed to make things much worse. I cited very specific incidents, and noted things that she had said and done that were completely out of line for anyone - especially one's own mother. I told her that I had no desire to speak to her until she got professional help.
She went a few weeks and then took to calling periodically and leaving messages on my voicemail as if nothing were wrong. I ignored her calls because I'd been very clear during our last conversation that I had no desire to speak to her. At one point she called Brad's cell phone very early in the morning, and being startled by it he answered quickly. She asked why I wasn't talking to her and he said she would have to discuss it with me as he wanted to stay out of the middle of it.
Then a few weeks ago she showed up at our house early one Saturday while I was still in bed. Brad did the stupid thing and let her in (he doesn't want to be the bad guy). I got up and sat on the steps and described to her, YET AGAIN, all of the problems that I have with our relationship. I did not get upset, I did not yell, I did not cry, I did not speak with anger or disgust. I just calmly explained that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who treats me so badly. I told her she should not have come to my house and she should not come back again. She needs to seek professional help from a therapist, but for whatever reason, completely refuses to do anything of the sort.
Anyway, yesterday we got an anniversary card in the mail from her with a substantial check. I told Brad we would not be accepting gifts from her as she's only trying buy a relationship with me and that can't be done. I've asked for simple things - for her to treat me like a human being (cause God forbid she treat me like her daughter), and to seek professional counselling for her many issues. I called her to ask why she'd sent the money and see if perhaps she had changed her mind about counselling since our talk a few weeks back. Nope. When I got her on the phone she literally blamed my father for all of the problems that I told her I have with her (mind you he's been dead for 20+ years), and then made really awful and lame excuses for why she's said and done the things she's done. She made conscious choices to not only apologize for her actions, but to defend them in the most outrageous ways.
Once again, I'm done with her. At this point she has really pushed me over the edge and I cannot foresee a change with her at all. No matter what anyone says to her she turns it around and says that it's not her, it's them, or clearly it's someone who has been dead for 20 years.